Saturday, April 1, 2017

The Manifest Critic

Do you ever go to a restaurant and critique your food, knowingly or unknowingly, as if you were a food critic working on an article?
Me too.

For example...

Have you been to The Chalmun's Cantina in Mos Eisley? They have the best blue milk in the galaxy. I mean, top notch.
This common refreshment has the taste and consistency of condensed milk and comes from a healthy stock of cage-free free-range Banthas which roam a large desert preserve on the outskirts of Tattooine. If you are looking for the most refreshingly sweet glass of blue milk after scavenging the brutal desert all day, Chalmun's is your place. That being said, it can be found across the galaxy; if you're near Coruscant, I recommend stopping by Dex's Diner to get your blue milk fix in more ways than one! Dex's is one of the only places in the galaxy where you can get blue milk yogurt, ice cream, or cheese. Be sure to try if you're a fan next time you're in the capital.

Or what about the Sweetroll from the land of Skyrim? 
Or perhaps a Boiled Creme Treat?
Both are decadent desserts that can be found in various places throughout the realm of Skyrim. Try looking in city taverns, like The Bannered Mare in Whiterun, or inns, such as The Sleeping Giant in Riverun; Sweetrolls and Boiled Creme Treats alike can also be found in palaces, like the Palace of Kings in Windhelm, and most marketplaces. During the Fire Festival in Solitude, these treats abound at the Bard's College where the Burning of King Olaf takes place. Be sure to take a few home to your kids who will love you forever if you bring them some of these tasty treats. This will be their exact reaction:

Also, we can't forget the practicality (and tastiness) of lembas bread, or waybread for those of you who speak the Common Tongue. No one can argue this bread's usefulness; it keeps for months and lasts forever as the smallest bite can fill the stomach of a grown man...
See?

Sadly, the recipe for lembas is unknown and is only given to members of the Elvish race; only on very rare occasions is it given to non-Elves. If you are one such person and have received this functional yet delicious food, count yourselves among the lucky ones. Lembas is best used for long journeys and in sparsely populated areas and good to have around for the long winter months when food is scarce as only very little need be consumed in a sitting.

And last but not least... my personal favorite... The White Queen's Turkish Delight. Let the powdery sugary goodness fill your soul with every sinfully soft delicious bite. With its ooey-gooey gelatin filling and softly dusted sugared coating, this dessert is a crowd-pleaser that will make any little brother turn against his family just to have some more. 

If you wonderful, smart, beautiful people haven't already guessed....this was a joke post. April Fools!!!!!!!





Keep those jokes light today folks. Today is supposed to be all in good fun. Don't tell your boyfriend you're pregnant...that's not funny, that's heart-attack inducing.

And as always...

I'll see you at the dinner table.